The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:17-18 NKJV
Suicidal thoughts! A topic many people try to avoid but so many people suffer with. You see that picture above….. The smile on my face was so bright you would THINK I was the happiest girl alive but I wasn’t! I was so beaten down, depressed, insecure, and to be honest I down right hated myself. Every morning I would say to myself “here’s another day of pretending… pretending to be happy, pretending to be this confident girl, pretending to have it all together, pretending to be so excited about life when really and truly I want to kill myself.” I hated the way I look. Big eyes, big head, big lips, big teeth, hey lets just say I hated everything about me. Even though I have a great father he was hours away so I dealt with feeling rejected from him when it wasn’t even true. I had lost all my friends and would see post and pictures of other ladies out with their friends on social media so I would let that get me down and make me feel worthless like I wasn’t good enough for women to like me. I was made fun of soooo much it was ridiculous an although many people didn’t know how much they words cut THEY DID! Be careful what you say to and about people. You never know what they are dealing with or what mindset they are in. I’m just grateful I was one of the ones God kept because they are many people who aren’t strong enough and they take their own lives. I spent nights in my bed, on the floor, in the shower, heck wherever I could go to just cry in peace. To think of ways I could kill myself.Constantly surrounded by family and friends I often would think to myself “they know me how can they not see I’m dying inside that I’m screaming for help so loud and no one can hear me!” You see… I was so good at being the goof ball of my family making other people laugh that I fooled everyone. Heck, I even fooled myself to the point I didn’t even know who I was anymore. The thoughts became so strong that I put them into action and tried not one, not two, but THREE times! BUT by the grace of God I am still here living out my life with a GOD GIVEN PURPOSE!!
For about five or six years I wore a mask pretending to be someone I wasn’t. One day while laying in the kitchen floor with a knife in my hand next to my wrist ready to end it all I got a text from my mom. “I love you babygirl… you don’t know how much joy you bring to my life you’re my inspiration.” WOW!! Talk about a mothers love RIGHT ON TIME! She doesn’t even know this but mom thank you and I love you!!!! Ok, so I had to remind myself of Gods word. John 10:10 the thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. You see the enemy wasn’t attacking the broke down little girl I was back then. He was trying to kill the woman he saw God was going to mold me into today. He made me believe I was ugly, that nobody loved me, that the world would be better off without me, and that I was a big screw up with absolutely no purpose in life.
” The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm:18-19 NKJV
Ok, So how did I overcome suicidal thoughts… I had to realize I wasn’t my own enemy. I had to go to war with the devil himself. You see we have to guard our hearts because if we don’t the enemy will use people, music, t.v. shows, ANYTHING to plants seeds in our heart. The Bible says Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23 NIV. So if seeds of doubt, insecurity, gossip, jealously, hatred, suicide, fornication, lust is being planted into your heart than that’s whats going to grow and flow out of you and that’s what you will act upon. What’s in your heart…. so please above all else GUARD YOUR HEART. Then you must learn to give the things that causing you stress, your insecurities, the mind games that the enemy is playing with you absolutely EVERYTHING into the arms of God. He may be telling you “oh you’re almost thirty you won’t ever get married, your bills are due you got and eviction notice where’s your God you talk so highly about, your husband out cheating your worthless can’t even keep a man, look at your kids shoes… you can’t even keep them in the latest Jordans” Cast those things down with the word of God. Tell the devil I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!!! God already defeated you so by the power invested in me through Jesus Christ so have I. Talk to him and let him know he has no power over you BECAUSE YOU DON’T BELONG TO HIM. If you let him plant the thoughts in your head and you do nothing about it they will only keep lingering and they will begin to fester into something worse. Trust me that’s what happened to me.
I pray my testimony of how God rescued me from suicidal thoughts help you. Maybe your struggle isn’t suicide but whatever it is learn to give it to God and take the control from the enemy and place it in the hands of someone that will never lose a battle against him.
Here’s a few scriptures that help me take rest in God and learn to trust him.
Psalm 23:4 NKJV yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Joshua 1:9 “have a i not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Psalm 34:17 “when the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.”
1 Peter 5:7 ” Casting your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
Psalm 55:22 “cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
To know God is to have found real love! I love you all so much. i’m praying with and for you.