Overcoming suicidal thoughts

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The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:17-18 NKJV

Suicidal thoughts! A topic many people try to avoid but so many people suffer with. You see that picture above….. The smile on my face was so bright you would THINK I was the happiest girl alive but I wasn’t! I was so beaten down, depressed, insecure, and to be honest I down right hated myself. Every morning I would say to myself “here’s another day of pretending… pretending to be happy, pretending to be this confident girl, pretending to have it all together, pretending to be so excited about life when really and truly I want to kill myself.” I hated the way I look. Big eyes, big head, big lips, big teeth, hey lets just say I hated everything about me. Even though I have a great father he was hours away so I dealt with feeling rejected from him when it wasn’t even true. I had lost all my friends and would see post and pictures of other ladies out with their friends on social media so I would let that get me down and make me feel worthless like I wasn’t good enough for women to like me. I was made fun of soooo much it was ridiculous an although many people didn’t know how much they words cut THEY DID! Be careful what you say to and about people. You never know what they are dealing with or what mindset they are in. I’m just grateful I was one of the ones God kept because they are many people who aren’t strong enough and they take their own lives.  I spent nights in my bed, on the floor, in the shower, heck wherever I could go to just cry in peace. To think of ways I could kill myself.Constantly surrounded by family and friends I often would think to myself “they know me how can they not see I’m dying inside that I’m screaming for help so loud and no one can hear me!” You see… I was so good at being the goof ball of my family making other people laugh that I fooled everyone. Heck, I even fooled myself to the point I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  The thoughts became so strong that I put them into action and tried not one, not two, but THREE times! BUT by the grace of God I am still here living out my life with a GOD GIVEN PURPOSE!!

For about five or six years I wore a mask pretending to be someone I wasn’t. One day while laying in the kitchen  floor with a knife in my hand next to my wrist ready to end it all I got a text from my mom. “I love you babygirl… you don’t know how much joy you bring to my life you’re my inspiration.” WOW!! Talk about a mothers love RIGHT ON TIME! She doesn’t even know this but mom thank you and I love you!!!! Ok, so I had to remind myself of Gods word. John 10:10 the thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. You see the enemy wasn’t attacking the broke down little girl I was back then. He was trying to kill the woman he saw God was going to mold me into today. He made me believe I was ugly, that nobody loved me, that the world would be better off without me, and that I was a big screw up with absolutely no purpose in life.

” The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm:18-19 NKJV

Ok, So how did I overcome suicidal thoughts… I had to realize I wasn’t my own enemy. I had to go to war with the devil himself. You see we have to guard our hearts because if we don’t the enemy will use people, music, t.v. shows, ANYTHING to plants seeds in our heart. The Bible says Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23 NIV. So if seeds of doubt, insecurity, gossip, jealously, hatred, suicide, fornication, lust is being planted into your heart than that’s whats going to grow and flow out of you and that’s what you will act upon. What’s in your heart…. so please above all else GUARD YOUR HEART. Then you must learn to give the things that causing you stress, your insecurities, the mind games that the enemy is playing with you absolutely EVERYTHING into the arms of God. He may be telling you “oh you’re almost thirty you won’t ever get married, your bills are due you got and eviction notice where’s your God you talk so highly about, your husband out cheating your worthless can’t even keep a man, look at your kids shoes… you can’t even keep them in the latest Jordans” Cast those things down with the word of God. Tell the devil I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!!! God already defeated you so by the power invested in me through Jesus Christ so have I. Talk to him and let him know he has no power over you BECAUSE YOU DON’T BELONG TO HIM. If you let him plant the thoughts in your head and you do nothing about it they will only keep lingering and they will begin to fester into something worse. Trust me that’s what happened to me.

I pray my testimony of how God rescued me from suicidal thoughts help you. Maybe your struggle isn’t suicide but whatever it is learn to give it to God and take the control from the enemy and place it in the hands of someone that will never lose a battle against him.

Here’s a few scriptures that help me take rest in God and learn to trust him.

Psalm 23:4 NKJV yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Joshua 1:9 “have a i not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Psalm 34:17 “when the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.”

1 Peter 5:7 ” Casting your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

Psalm 55:22 “cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”

To know God is to have found real love! I love you all so much. i’m praying with and for you.

Miracle!!

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Stop blaming men!!

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For years I blamed men for the heart break I THOUGHT they caused me. To be honest most women I know do this. I know you thinking “now wait a minute Miracle, I’ve dated some dogs that totally wrecked my heart! How can you tell me not to blame him?!” I’ll tell you why. When I was caught up in bad relationships, I had the free will to walk away or stay. The moment a man shows you what he is about and you choose to stay thinking your love,attention,and SEX, gone make him change…. You then take the blame from his hands and place it in yours. I have to say this. Sex will not make a man stay with you… I don’t care how good you think you are in bed. So don’t you dare compromise your worth, and your body that belong to God to try and give away to some man that will have sex with you and turn around and go get it from the next woman the same day. IT’S NOT WORTH IT MY SISTERS!!!!! Let’s not forget that we’ll know that our Lil boo is cheating but long as he show you off and consider you to be his “MAIN CHICK” you fine with it… Ummm no ma’am! YOU’RE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN BEING CONSIDERED A MANS MAIN CHICK WHEN IN REALITY YOU LOOK JUST AS CRAZY AS THE SIDE CHICK. We fuss, fight, and wanna beat down the girl he’s cheating with but continue to hold him down like the good ride or die chick he’s labeled you to be while he’s off bragging to his boys how he got you and ol girl fighting over him. Honey don’t even give him the satisfaction or “bragging rights” from his boys.

Sisters wake up!! You’ve placed your worth in the hands of a unstable man. YES I SAID UNSTABLE! James1:8 days being a double minded man makes you unstable in all your ways. If he’s playing games with your heart but the next day treating you like you’re a queen (only so you don’t leave him) HE’S DOUBLE MINDED! A real man knows you are a child of the most high God. He lives his life to according to Gods word. He loves God so he knows to love, honor and respect you because you belong to God.

The stress it takes to love a man who really and truly don’t love you is way to much work. We get so caught up in making sure he being faithful that we lose sight on the fact that YOU HAVE THE POWER TO WALK AWAY. You spend so much time checking his facebook page wondering who up in his direct messages, and giving his phone the side eye trying to see who texting his phone. Come on now that’s just to much. Don’t you know our God is a jealous God? You studying your little boyfriend like you suppose to be studying your Bible. So even though you see all the signs why you should leave you stay because your emotionally attached to him. You’ve given him a part of your body that’s suppose to be for your one day husband and now that soul tie is making you feel like its impossible to leave him alone. Your contentment is now coming from him when he was never suppose to have that much control over you.

So…. You wanna know why he keep lying, cheating, and calling you out your name?? Because you ALLOW him to. A MAN WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO TO YOU! So ladies please stop thinking you can love him enough to make change or think long as I hold him down he’ll someday wake up and see my worth in his life. No my sister you wake up and realize where you dropped the ball… Pick it back up and take back what belongs to you. It’s not his fault you stay after he cheats only for him to do it again. It’s not his fault he hits you up all times of the night(and we all know what happens at that hour) when you barely heard from him throughout the whole day. It’s not his fault that you stay up crying over him begging him to change only for him agree and to go right back to his ways the next day. IT’S NOT HIS FAULT! We ate in charge of what we put up with. It took me years to realize this. I pray this blog opened your eyes and cause you to take your joy, peace, and contentment and place then in the arms of  Jesus.

I love you ladies so much!!!

Miracle!

 

My journey back to Christ.

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Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. John 8:36 NKJV

“BEING a Christian is so boring… How about I just do me through the week, and squeeze God in on Sunday.” Horrible thinking right?!?! Well at one point those were my exact thoughts. I figured as long as I went to church on Sunday morning singing, clapping, raising my hands, and worshipping God with my mouth… well I would make it into heaven. As I look back… oh ladies was I sadly mistaken! Thank God for a renewed mind!! On weekends I stayed with a alcoholic drink in my cup, in a club twerking my behind off, and dressed leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Because let’s be real ladies… we always think less is more sexy when it comes to clothes right?!? WRONG!!! 1 Corinthians 6:20 says for you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit. Ladies our bodies are so precious. We don’t have to bare it all to be considered “sexy” YOU’RE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. Don’t compromise yourself for attention. Your validation and self worth should come from God and God alone.

Romans 12:2 and do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Ladies we are in this world but that doesn’t mean we have to look like it. Respect yourself enough to cover up the goods. To be honest that’s only for your husband or one day husband to see anyway. I had to learn and I hope from my testimony you will learn. AS WOMEN WE HAVE TO FIRST RESPECT OURSELVES BEFORE WE EXPECT A MAN TO. Idk about you but when I was out with my short tight skirts and dresses I would get the whistles and the “aye ma” UGGGHH!!! Rolls eyes, flips hair, and walks off thinking “how dare he?” Wait, what?!? You too??? I’m guessing you were just as offended as I was huh!? How could we be though…. he was only barking at the treats we had on display. So again, you want a man to respect you… Then first respect yourself!! Let’s keep it cute and classy and cover up.

Oh and let me not forget how I was chasing up behind a man I know I had no business being with in the first place. You see ladies, growing up I didn’t always have a father figure around due to my parents divorcing. My father lived 16 hours away and I had to adjust to that. As women we’ll turn to men to validate who we are. We begin to give ourselves away and compromise our worth all to keep them around. WE’RE SEARCHING FOR A LOVE GOD GAVE US ALREADY! At least I was… So there I was, a lost confused little girl that only wanted to drink, party, and live my life the way I wanted to. Only to be adding to the shame and guilt I feel now.

Ok, so here I am Friday, Saturday, oh and you better believe after I got done fronting in church Sunday morning…. Sunday night I was right back in the club. Why do I say I was in church fronting? Because if I was truly living my life for Christ I wouldn’t have been clubbing, drinking, cursing, and fornicating like I was. The Bible clearly states that if we are truly of God we’ll live according to his word, keep his commandments, and look like Christ. Let’s look at the verses that helped me realize I had work to do.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Romans 13:13-14 let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

My turning point…

I recall one night sitting in the back of my friends car turning up a bottle as we headed out for a night out. Not to mention just hours before I was in church crying out to God how much I love him and surrender my all. I had everyone in church fooled but I couldn’t fool God. That night I heard God speak to me just as clear as day. “Miracle, I have so much more in store for you. How much longer will you live two lives? I’m taking the taste of alcohol from your lips” talk about a wake up call. Did I give it all up that night?!? Well no, of course not but that was my turning point. You may be thinking…. Well what’s wrong with a little drinking and going out. I’m young I just want to enjoy life. I felt the same way… but I’m sorry but if you’re trying to live a life that’s pleasing to God there’s just some things you have to walk away from. In no shape form or fashion was anything I was doing glorify God. The Bible tells us we have to abstain from all appearances of evil.

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The pic above was the day I got baptized. My Bishop dipped me under right at 12:00 a.m. on new year’s of 2015. That day I made the decision to stop playing church and become the church. I could no longer pretend. Did I magically change after that day? No! However, my heart changed. I had a willing heart to do better, to be better, and live out this life for my father in heaven. The season of letting go of this world didn’t feel good but it was necessary. I had so much filth God had to get out of my heart. I’m not going to lie to you… It’s not easy. I lost friends, that man I thought I couldn’t breathe without that really only wanted what was between my legs, I lost my entire lifestyle. I had to learn me all over over again. I made mistakes and often times fell short but this race isn’t supposed to be fast pace. IT’S A MARATHON THAT I REFUSED TO QUIT RUNNING. I don’t regret my journey here, I embrace it. I’m able to love on women and tell you ladies my struggles in hopes to encourage you to make your journey back to God. The devil tried to keep my mouth shut out of embarrassment because he knew my testimony would be a blessing to someone reading this right now. Jesus bled and he died for us so that we may be set free. The devil wants to keep you stuck in your sin out of guilt and lies he feeds you that God doesn’t love you. I urge you today to make your first step into your journey back to God. Connect your words with your heart and truly surrender to him. I’m a living witness that he’ll breathe a new life in you that you never knew existed.

Matthew16:25 whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Screenshot_2016-03-16-16-08-20_1

To know God is to have found real love.

Miracle!